is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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