Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
