apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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