I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
