Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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