What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
false alarm, still single
Randomize
