alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
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Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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