While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
