this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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