During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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