i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
