I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
