I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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