I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
