im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
