I cannot find my penis.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
