ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
