I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
