Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Randomize
