I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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