Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
