my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just threw up on my dentist
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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