There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
