Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
