Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
