he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
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I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
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Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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