Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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