even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
