Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
