the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
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The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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