I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
