I met the friendliest cop last night
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
