Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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