I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
