Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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