I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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