Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
