was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
