I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
