Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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