Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
