I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
