Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
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I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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