If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
