pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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