im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
