when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Randomize
