it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
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