I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
