i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
