i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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