dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
