Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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